Verdict: totes fuckable, assuming you don’t shoot your eye out

and not a lot that made me want to take a closer look? Sure, your NSFW Tinkerbell is basically vomit-inducing in its ineptitude of design and creativity, but sometimes you just want to look at something that takes a real risk; something that makes you pause and study it and want to applaud whomever had the audacity to envision it or bring it to life. Super Duper Slutty Tinkerbell can be immediately relegated to the ‘not fuckables’ category – it’s pretty cut and dry and GOD but Tinkerbell’s wings should not look like fucking leaves that fell off the bush in a second grader’s drawing. Hell, who am I kidding – it’s much worse than a second grader’s drawing a leaf – second graders probably have a lot more respect for color and dimension and realism and shading than whoever inked this.

Anyways, onto the good – below is a tattoo that has quite a bit more vision than Super Duper Slutty Tinkerbell.

No, it’s not your monitor or your internet connection – what you’re seeing, that warping of the perspective – that’s all the work of this incredible greyscale tattoo by Zvaki, whose Slovenian tattoo shop website you can view here. It’s smart, it’s confusing, and it’s unusual and completely breathtaking.  Well done – it’s refreshing to be able to decree that something is “totes fuckable” with no reservations. The last time I did that was July 15. The internet’s a rough place – sometimes you just need a through palate cleanser.

Verdict: totes fuckable

Jimi Hendrix fans, what say you? Totes fuckable or do the eyes make your stomach feel a little queasy? Sound off below. I leave you with one of my personal favorite Jimi Hendrix live performances.

Oh sweet Jesus. I wish had a dollar for every time someone sent in a tattoo of a swastika – then I’d have enough money to buy a drink, which I could really use.

Look. I don’t care how YOLO you felt when you willingly let someone ink that onto your body, but knock it the fuck off – adding some laughter to something doesn’t make it less offensive. Your tattoo sucks. Your ‘L’s aren’t even uniform! I was hoping to at least be able to say, ‘well it’s a nice typeface at least’ but I guess that’s not in the cards.

Verdict: oh hells no. not fuckable.

I know a lot of people love The Giving Tree, and I think I mostly understand that love – the idea of giving everything up for someone else is a pretty powerful thing. Although I grew up with The Giving Tree as a kid, I take a very different point of view on it – the tree gets taken advantage of after a lifetime as a fucking doormat for a greedy jerk, and the boy who grows into an old man takes a whole lifetime to realize that things don’t buy you happiness, friends do (or in this case, essentially sitting on your friend’s face). Yeesh, how depressing. Thanks, but no thanks.

Verdict: not fuckable

God what kind of sick fuck wants a bloody dead child tattooed on him? The artist is doing good work here but ugh, it just makes me want to:

Close your eyes and just try to think of something less sexy than the battered corpse of a dead child, I dare you. It makes my vagina close up and weep.

Verdict: not fuckable

Yo bro, thanks for the pro-tip.

Verdict: not fuckable

Well, someone here is doing great work.

I am legitimately not saying this to be an asshole, but this is really just not a good way to remember someone. I suppose the one scenario where this is a fitting memorial is when your friend had a terrible habit of always misspelling you’re and you thought it was hilarious so you went and tattooed it on yourself, or hey – maybe you just hate your friend.

This tattoo got me thinking – how many people have made this error and tattooed you’r on their bodies, as if that’s a word?

Evidently, shockingly few:

It’s too bad your friends couldn’t tell you what a terrible idea this was, and that your tattoo artist was either too stupid or just plain lazy to tell you how completely incorrect this is.

You’r apostrophe is superflous, ma’am.

No, I would prefer otherwise. Thank you.

I also found this one poor, unfortunate business in my internet ramblings:

It amused me.

Verdict: not fuckable

This amuses me. I’m not really sure how it came to be, but I’d guess there’s a pretty good story behind this, and who doesn’t like unicorns? And well-timed fart jokes? and rainbows?

Carry on, good sir.

Verdict: totes fuckable

God, this tattoo is like a mash-up of relatively – moderately good modern conveniences that no one cared enough about to put in more than a bare minimum of effort.

Let me count the things about this tattoo that are sub-par:

• the script
• Brita water filters?
• a singular cup?
• seriously, try that again and use less curly qs

What on earth possessed you to tattoo this on yourself? Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are delicious (and I don’t think many people would disagree very strongly on that point), but what made you think they were worthy of permanent inclusion on your skin? Here are some other obviously ok – very good things that you didn’t tattoo on yourself but probably have an equal right to be there:

• Clorox wipes
• Taco Bell
• Ketchup
• Kleenex
• Free T-shirts
• Toilet paper

Look, I don’t even really understand what a peanut britta cup is. I think the verdict is clear.

Verdict: not fuckable

So let’s start with the ugly, shall we?

God, what the hell happened to YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR’S FACE? That’s not what faces look like. Your God looks like the fucking missing link – I’m pretty sure he’s near the middle of this chart. Does he have a couple of eyebrow piercings and tattoo? I guess Neanderthal Jesus is pretty hip.

Verdict: Not fuckable

 Ok, your Jesus is an eleven-year-old’s watercolor painting.

Verdict: Not fuckable

Better? There’s some basic perspective and shading happening here, but his lips still look like they came off a mummy from the 23rd Dynasty. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

The resemblance is striking.

Verdict: Not fuckable. Look, I love ancient Egypt at least almost as much as the average person, but damn do I want lips like that pressing against me if our arms bump together? No, not really. Also it freaks me out that this Jesus has no neck.

And now for something slightly weirder, but brimming with character:

 Zombie Jesus clutches at his heart and ponders the deliciousness of your brains while your pray – he’s probably a multitasker, despite having lower brain functioning capabilities due to being a zombie.

Verdict: I don’t really want to fuck this, but I respect it.

It’s a zombie. It’s a fish. It’s the god-man who saved your soul! I don’t understand this tattoo but good lord, it is wonderful.

Verdict: Totes fuckable

If you’re going to get a tattoo the face of the man you believe to be god on your body, this is totally the way to go – that is some seriously incredible work on the eyes. And the stubble. And the soft focus.  This is really just a solid piece of tattoo work all around.

Verdict: Totes fuckable, but you should really thank your tattoo artist every time you wake up in the morning (and probably before you fall asleep every night for good measure.)

What say you, tramps? Would you let any of these Jesus-bearing folks touch your naughty bits?